The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You Might Also Like
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Passwords are more important than ever.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.