Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?