Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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Not recommended for beginners.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
It was worth a shot 😂
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that