The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Sorry not sorry.
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug