The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Please do it!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.