i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
only 11 steps left
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
damn he’s good
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my mom making me talk to relatives
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]