If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.