I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
August 8
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
the Monday after daylight savings
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.