My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
she has a point
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx