saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!