Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.