Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.