HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.