April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Happy Caturday!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!