A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
This will never not be funny to me.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.