Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.