Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
japanese corn