Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
You Might Also Like
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not