*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.