Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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smartest karate player in the world
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me doing my best
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.