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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.