This is my emotional support chloroform rag
You Might Also Like
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
taking June’s advice to heart
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol