Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
You Might Also Like
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
What do you hear?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
consequences, the bane of my existence
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting