I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
channeling her this year
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”