Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.