This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword


Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.


You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.


I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”


I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do


Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.


Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”


Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked