It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
real
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.