It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”