Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Single and childfree like Jesus