this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler