Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs