13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.