@dave_cactus
@torrami Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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@torrami 
@chrisdowning Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
@my_minivan_life “Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
@Shade510 Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
@spacegirl4win Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
@DosieDoe *Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
@tastefactory Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
@bazecraze A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
@DanMentos “I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
@sixfootcandy [parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?