Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“I got expelled”
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
“and rub 1 out”
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?