When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.


“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma


*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.


Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.


A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.


“I got expelled”
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”


[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?