Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

*sewing*

A thread

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.