In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.