In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life