God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…