[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then