No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.