I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
You Might Also Like
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.