*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
ok like just. call me at this point
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.