How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*