*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*