@DamonHunzeker

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

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@iwearaonesie

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

@peachesanscream

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@djdarrellripley

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

@kibblesmith

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

@clichedout

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

@trustysock

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

@tastefactory

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.