Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

😆

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*