Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
this has done me in for some reason
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.