Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.
Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*