I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired