All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.