Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered