Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
You Might Also Like
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice