Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.