Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
☺️
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?