hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
You Might Also Like
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?