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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Poetry is my passion
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I ate everything, including the H.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.