birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
not to brag, but mine was free
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
“OMGJK” -atheists
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”